My Life and Cats

Cats. Cats here, cats there, cats everywhere! They follow me, I swear it. Every time I go out in public, I only have to throw a glance over my shoulder and see one stalking me. There are black ones, skinny ones, tabby ones, Siamese and even those massive Mancoons. That’s right, stalking. They don’t walk, they don’t prance; they stalk. It’s all because of the time I insulted a cat…

I was walking along a road in the middle of the day and everything was as sweet as honey. I was even whistling and you must know; I never whistle. So as I passed the corner of Manson and Bly streets, I came across as strange assortment of creatures. One was a dog, one was a budgie, another was a frog and there, sitting in front of the group was a black cat.

His eyes were as yellow as a squash and fur as silky black as a flowing river in the middle of a moonless night. Each ear was pricked forward, listening to the unintelligible babble of the animals around it and a knowing smile spread across the lips. “Could this be the Cheshire cat, the one from that bizarre story of a girl down a rabbit hole?” I thought as my pace halted half-way around the corner. “No, you’re just being stupid.” I did notice one thing though. One thing so significant that I don’t think I’ll ever forget. As I neared a little closer to the group, the cat turned and spoke with a strange British accent:

“It’s rude to eavesdrop you know. Please mind you own business.”

My jaw dropped to the ground beneath me. Boy, did my perspective change on this animal. I had just witnessed a cat talking, shaking his paw at me as if to shoo me away he continued to glare.

“Cats can’t talk!” I shouted back at him with my mouth in the shape of a vortex of shock.

“Well you stupid humans don’t listen that often do you? Only when you want to find out some juicy news or some gossip,” he retorted with another sharp jab of his paw into the air, “Shoo now.”

Shocked to the core, I was quick to lose my temper. I wasn’t as cool as a cucumber anymore, panic began to overwhelm me. “Am I mad? Have I really lost it?” flew around my mind as it tried to make sense of the boggled mess it was in.

“Don’t shoo me, you stupid dirty animal,” I boldly replied. But as I did so, I knew that it was a mistake.

With the narrowing of those golden orbs, the cat screeched one syllable which erupted into a pandemonium of legs flying everywhere. The bird pecked at my ears, the frog launched himself onto my face, the dog bit my leg and the cat just went berserk in all the wrong places. Now the sky began to whirl and new points of pain erupted all over my body as these animals attacked me.

“Thanks for the inspiration for my next show,” said a clown as he walked by and didn’t bother helping.

Once I had disentangled my legs from the legs and wings of various other animals, I raced home as fast as I could only stopping once to look back at those all-knowing eyes watching me, always watching. So that is why cats stalk me and hunt me both in my dreams and in the real world. The worst thing about it is that there’s a crazy cat lady next door and you know what that means…

(Attempt at Comic Short Story)